Chipotle
A grave insult to Mexicans and anyone with tastebuds
Opening Ramble:
With the terrible freezing January weather of late, I’ve been reminiscing about my warmer travels last year. Specifically, my trip to Mexico City, the terrific tacos, brilliant burritos and all around great vibes. It was paradise. While my local taqueria is still the best tacos in London, one particular Saturday I was ravenous. In a weak moment I caved in to laziness and thought I might as well try Chipotle. Full disclosure, I knew it would be fairly bad going in. I’ve tried London based Chipotles and they’ve always been middling at best.1 Even before I knew how to cook, let alone after my visits to California and Mexico, I knew this couldn’t be the thing Americans love.2 Folks, even with reservations pre-built in, it was somehow even worse than I thought. Usually I like to do a tease with the Opening Ramble but I don’t want anyone for a second thinking I thought Chipotle would be any good.3
The Order (dishes as described on the menu):
Barbacao Burrito
Responsibly raised and Bord bia certified beef braised for hours then shredded.
£9.10! Rating : 1.4/10
Total Bill incl tip: £9.10
Overall Rating: 1.4/10
Review:
I’m a huge fan of burritos. Even during my school days, the school cafeteria burritos were satisfying. Even if the meat isn’t to standard, the toppings and garnishes help make it a complete meal. It’s warm, filling and hits notes that I love even when mediocre.4 But that proved way beyond Chipotle’s capability. But before we get into that, let’s tackle the most glaring issue. The price and size of the meal. It’s £9! Even in this cost of living crisis, that is steep for a lunch meal that is as small as this burrito was. I placed it next to the Tabasco bottle for scale, a small Tabasco bottle at that. I was genuinely shocked when the server started wrapping the burrito at how small the wrap had become.
I chose the following accompaniments; black beans, coriander rice, sour cream and the spicy salsa. I felt like that would provide the best barrier against the meat if it was sub standard and, if it was good, it would amplify the flavours sufficiently. I cannot be clearer on how low my expectations were.
The meat crashed way below said expectations. If you examine the cross section above, you can see how stringy and dry it is. It was somehow even drier than its appearance. Even with the salsa, sour cream and Tabasco, the meat had clumped together to prevent any liquid, or flavour for that matter, from seeping into it. I had to chew it for several seconds as I felt it hoover up any moisture from my mouth. It was the first time in my life, I actively avoided the meat in the burrito and focussed on the rice etc and drenched the burrito in differentTabasco flavours. A vain attempt to add some sort of enjoyable experience to this sad sack of rice et al. Thankfully, because it was such a small burrito and I was splitting it with my partner, we were put out of our misery fairly quickly.
Additional Complaints
In a rare instance, I would like to complain about something I didn’t even try. The guacamole. I understand restaurants charge for Guacamole. It’s a great way to earn extra profit on dishes. However £2.60 for a small smear in a pot is outrageous. Even worse however, is charging £4.20 for some chips and guacamole. They’re not fresh chips and let’s be honest, the guacamole isn’t going to be great either. They can’t source the legit Californian avocados so that’s a demerit already but given the flavourless meat, salsa and beans, I can’t trust them to get the guacamole right. So I avoided it out of principle and I hope others do as well until they learn they can’t charge that amount as a corporate chain. Either charge less or give the customer a little taste so we know it’s legit. They’ve eroded the benefit of the doubt as far as I’m concerned. You know a company isn’t confident in their food when on their packaging they have “adjust the seasoning”…I’m sorry you should be selling stuff where I don’t have to fix your mistakes/laziness.
Conclusion
The only reason I gave the burrito a rating higher than 1 was because of the array of Tabasco sauces that are available at Chipotle. They would be the only reason to go. I am not in the business of promoting crime but aside from going to steal the Tabasco bottles, I can’t think of a reason to go Chipotle. The quality for price is completely unjustifiable in my opinion. Tesco Meal Deal Mexican items have more flavour, cost half as much and aren’t as dry as the Sonoran Desert.5 It was a grand opening for the Chipotle in Putney and I expect to see the grand closing very soon because I can’t imagine a scenario where they would have repeat customers.
Extra Stuff
I went to Chipotle and Chicken Shop on the same tragic day. It was a real waste of time, ingredients and calories for me. Thankfully since then, I’ve been to much nicer bakeries so expect me to start raving about some lovely pastries and sandwiches next time!
I worked in the John Lewis on Oxford Street and I wanted to break up the free English Breakfast they gave us in the cafe. Burritos are of course much healthier than an English breakfast…I’m a bit of a health nut if you can’t tell
I know not all Americans love Chipotle. But those who do, ride for Chipotle HARD. There’s a NBA player called Mikal Bridges who has it everyday.
Protecting myself from slander from the Californians, specifically Allison and Maj
The Ed Sheeran of cuisine perhaps
I had to Google a name of a Mexican desert and the Sonoran looked drier to me . Albeit it still looked beautiful unlike the tragic burrito