A Barbecue Disaster Class
What not to do when you’re expecting (BBQ)
Over the Bank Holiday weekend, we had a few folks over to enjoy the good weather and imbibe with some delicious drinks. As it was my yard, I was in charge of the grilling etc. Y’all should have seen me in action. Ladies and gents, if you ever needed a masterclass on how to do everything wrong, in terms of the food, fire and timings, I got it all almost wrong.
To get the excuses out of the way, my barbecue is garbage. Some folks bond with their old pieces of metal/technology and see their flaws as endearing as you develop ways to get around their foibles etc. An old car that needs two knocks on the door before it’ll open from the inside or the classic TV that needs a quick hit to get the signal back. My barbecue has no such place in my heart, it’s an old, rusting at the bottom, drum of crappy metal that I bought when I was broke. It’s now warped in several places so can no longer be closed fully; kind of key when trying to barbecue and slow cook is the retaining of heat. I’m hoping to replace it soon with a nicer/new one.
The second excuse, the anxiety of hosting mixed with some fabulous punches…I got lost in the sauce but more on that the below.
How not to grill
Always plan out the cooking of the meats.
I, for the first time, kinda winged it on the timings. Really dumb. Different meats, cook at different times and different temperatures. Also the arrival of the meat might not be all at the same time if you’re doing a potluck. So always time out when you’re cooking what.
Don’t crowd your meat.
As mentioned, I had no idea the amount of meat showing up and because I didnt plan it was a mess. Crowding your meat on a pan on the stove leads to steam and ruining the nice crust. Crowding your meat on a BBQ does affect the skin a bit but the main complication is that usually your heat is offset to one side of the grill because you don’t want heat all over the grill if you’re not fast cooking. As a result some, of your meat is going to cook much faster and if you have nowhere to put it to slow down the cooking process, you’re going to be VERY active, constantly switching and disturbing the meat; Defeating the point of the slow cooking/grilling. If you are having to open the grill a lot to do this (also this drops the temp of the BBQ) then make sure you start spraying your meat so it doesn’t dry out.1
Don’t make your burger patties too big
Usually the rule is keep to around 2inch thick and I thought nope lemme make them big Man Vs Food burgers. Sooo dumb. Combined with me not putting a thumbprint in the middle of the burger. Disaster class. The burgers puffed up and became hockey pucks which meant the outside cooked so much faster than the inside. So the usual good colour that I use as an indicator of it being fully cooked out, failed so hard. Also, when it was fully cooked, it was hard to eat because it was so big. Dumb, don’t do it.
Don’t give optimistic timings
As the crowd gets hungrier, they’re gonna press for the food. The gegenpress ain’t for the weak minded and resulted in me giving wildly optimistic timings. BBQ is not to be rushed, bear that in mind. Always take the over on cooking times and give yourself 30-60 min cushion especially if your BBQ can’t hold heat well
Don’t drink too much
I wasn’t drunk or anything but definitely reached the tipsy side of having a good time. That combined with all of the above, leads to anxiety and panic. Famously bad partners with cooking. Sip on a few drinks the way to go, just to keep ya cool.
Conclusion
Y’all are welcome, I’ve provided a great roadmap of accidents that if you avoid, you’ll sail through your next BBQ. Finally got me out of my writing slump following my holiday break/back to back illnesses. So as my friend Ozzy says, really I turned those two Ls into a W, for my audience. Also I’m being dramatic haha, there was still some good food served by myself, and my friends really picked up the slack and served up some AMAZING food. I also made the best BBQ sauce that exists, I’ll be releasing that for my paid subscribers later this week as well. See y’all next week2
Using apple juice or apple cider vinegar seems to be what all the pros do. You can also water out some BBQ sauce and use a brush/mop but that only makes sense for bigger cuts of meat
Making up for the hiatus but also I’ve been eating just plain chicken and rice for a week because I had a 2 week expired Muller Rice so celebrating by going out haha
The food was good, don’t be so hard on yourselffff